Good-bye Sweet Boy

Monday I found out that Seppel had a mass on his heart, likely hemangiosarcoma. I was supposed to bring him home for the week and then let him go but he started declining that afternoon and I had to make the decision then.

My heart is broken. That's what I keep saying but it is the best way to describe how I'm feeling.

I am so sad that our IPO journey is over.

I am so sad that my training partner and friend is gone.

I feel like the universe told me I could get Stuck, my next IPO dog for the price of losing my first training partner soon after. I know this is an irrational thought and I am not a religious person, but in some respects that is how it feels.

I am so sad that he is no longer in my home. His tail was always wagging and every time you touched him his whole body moved. He was always happy, all the time. He never had a bad day.

I miss him waiting at the end of the garage when I would call everyone in. His ears would go flat as if he was saying "I don't want to go in, I want to stay out here and do something with you."

He was always the first to the door, ready to go. He LOVED to play chuck-it and when I would take him out last he would come bounding out of the car like he was saying "I'm the best at this game! Play with me!" He would always put 100% into going after and bringing back the ball. He was my favorite to play with because he loved it so much.

He also loved the flirt pole. He would play with it forever with me.

I miss him being my copilot. He was the best car rider and was always in the front seat with me. When I would go get coffee he would inevitably drool on me - every time. It drove me nuts and grossed me out and now I wish he would do it one more time.

He was just starting to become more engaging with me and we were just starting to have fun training. I feel like we were closer than we have ever been.

I miss how expressive he was. He was so reactive to everything and you could read it in his eyes, his ears, and his forehead what he was thinking.

I miss how I could get him to bark at anything, he was easily wound up and it was great. 

I miss his love for cardboard boxes. He shredded so many boxes at work and if I tied him near the recycling cans he would steal things out of them and shred them. He was so crazy sometimes. It makes me sad that he will never be able to do that again.

It makes me sad that all of these things that he did and has done were the last time that he would do them. It is so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that he's gone and that it is all over with.

It makes me sad and angry that I couldn't even have a few more days with him to do the things he enjoyed. I am so sad that his last day was spent in a strange hospital and not at home with me. I know I made the best decision I could at the time but I am so sad because I had no idea I wouldn't be bringing him home.

I am so sad that he went out the way that he did, he was just about to turn 8 years old. That isn't old at all.

It feels so unfair.

I miss him so much. His presence in my life was so big. I know that I am fortunate because I have other dogs and my house isn't empty, but my other dogs are not him. I love them all individually and the hole he has left is huge.


Having Seppel completely and 100% changed my life. He taught me about responsibility and management. Because of his energy level he turned me into a better dog owner - because of him I exercised all of them regularly and made it a priority. He taught my parents that pit bulls were not bad dogs. He taught me so much about training, not just because of who he was but because of him I sought out classes and people to learn from. Seppel fit into my household really well. Our first year together there was a lot of learning and things were a little rough, but once I figured him out things got better and better. In our recent engagement class he did nearly anything I asked. It made me feel really proud of our relationship - that he trusted me to do some of the weird things I asked him to do, and he never questioned me.

The last several weeks I felt like something was wrong with him, I never could have imagined that thing was going to be as bad as it was. I don't know how I will repair myself. I just feel so devastated right now. A quote I found on Instagram says it perfectly:

"Cause you never think that the last time is the last time. You think there will be more. You think you have forever, but you don't."

Rest peacefully buddy. I love you so much, I miss you so much, but I am glad you are no longer suffering.